Eau de Pope
From The Telegraph 3-14-12: Perfume created for Pope Benedict XVI. After Sarah Jessica Parker, Eva Mendez, and Katy Perry comes the Pope––a signature eau de cologne has been created for the leader of the world’s 1.2 billion Catholics. Unlike celebrity perfumes adorned with pictures of breathless Hollywood starlets, this one will not be available to … Read more
Apps That Help You Avoid Shit
If you want to skip the “bad parts of town” without taxing your street smarts Microsoft will soon have the app for you. What has been dubbed their ‘Avoid Ghetto’ GPS App will mine local violent crime statistics to keep you from even glimpsing an undesirable corner or person, or the other people or businesses … Read more
Downton Abbeyvention
“An intervention?” I said to my denim-clad friends as they stood facing me in a semi-circle between my apartment door and me. “Whatever for? The strongest drink I touch is sherry and I never take more than one of an evening. Oh do sit down, all of you; this standing about in the entry is … Read more
The Twelve Wars of Christmas
On the first war of Christmas, the right wing promised me… A future fully tax-free. On the second war of Christmas, the right wing promised me… 2 all white clubs And a future fully tax-free. On the third war of Christmas, the right wing promised me… 3 judges’ heads 2 all white clubs … Read more
Special Effects Christmas Wrapping
Wrap your gift in a trained octopus. The military has these mischievous mollusks doing all kind of crazy shit so there must be a few special-ops dropouts available on-line. To get that special holiday glimmer look for blue-ringed octopi––when they’re agitated their maculae pulsate, which sounds pretty. Oh, and bonus––they are the third most venomous … Read more
Breaking: Election 2016 GOP Talking Points Leaked
Dateline: October 2, 2016. The Republican National Committee (RNC) will not confirm or deny reports that its email was hacked, but has confirmed that talking points on next month’s presidential election intended to reach only a few hundred influential Republicans were obtained by multiple media outlets: When asked about polar bears in leading ways, such … Read more
Jeeves, Alfred, Benson… : The Evolution of the Personal Valet
“Siri, what time is it?” The time is 10:51 am. Do you ask because your mortality weighs heavily? “No, I…does my wha…how… I’m sorry, I can’t help you when you do not speak coherently. Perhaps you are experiencing a cardiac event. Shall I call emergency services? “No. Just set a reminder.” OK. Just tell me … Read more
Plagues of the New Millennium
I’m the writer of a Feature at McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, the on-line magazine companion to the print Quarterly: http://www.mcsweeneys.net/tendency My page, from where you may tweet and like the piece, is here: http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/plagues-for-the-new-millennium Cheers and thanks.
A Man Is His Castle: Jewelry For Every Knight
By DuncanRhys C. Liancourt “Fashion is architecture. It is a matter of proportions.” Coco Chanel No building is complete simply because the stone, metal, or wood clothing that hides its private parts––its structure, supports, plumbing, and wiring––has been stuck on. It needs details, functional and ornamental: cornices, a tile border to demarcate floors, the … Read more
Bourbon-Peach-Barbecue Chicken, Baby
Sometimes I think to myself, “Hmm, it’s been too long since I’ve had the bourbon out.” Wait, that’s not me, that’s some sad, priority and taste challenged individual I imagined. While I admit that I cannot give every distillation in my wee collection of scotches, bourbons, and ryes equal attention, I endeavor to be a … Read more
